


I'm Serious

by yunliu



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Inspired by To All The Boys I've Loved Before, Love Letters, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24783922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yunliu/pseuds/yunliu
Summary: Taeil's love letters to his crushes that were never supposed to be read get mailed out.In retrospect, it's not that big of a deal.But two of them are addressed to his colleagues at work; Yuta, the choreographer who broke his friend's heart, and Donghyuck, the boy turned idol who he's known for years.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil, Moon Taeil/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 17
Kudos: 91
Collections: Hyuckie Moon Exchange 2020





	I'm Serious

**Author's Note:**

  * For [romulus_adhara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/romulus_adhara/gifts).



> Prompt 3: To all the boys I've loved before. 
> 
> Title: I'm Serious by DAY6

It's only when Taeil is drunk out of his mind that he summons the courage to write another letter. He wishes that he had this kind of courage all the time, but of course, it's the only thing that comes out when he's intoxicated. 

He's always had a decent alcohol tolerance. This time, however, it's been a good while since he had consumed anything alcoholic. He finds himself stumbling through the hallway, towards his room, feeling for the light switch. Everything feels too light, like he’s floating upwards, but his feet feel heavier and it’s becoming more difficult to move. He can’t even remember what compelled him to drink this much in the first place-- but there’s a pleasant buzz in his ears that he appreciates anyways. 

There’s only one thing on Taeil’s mind. “Write a letter,” he murmurs to himself, syllables slurring together. “Write a letter.” He’s not sure about what it’s for. He’ll know once he knows. 

Walking up to his wardrobe, he opens the doors, standing on his toes and feeling for a box on the top shelf. He nearly drops it on his head, but he's fast enough to steady himself and properly hold it, sliding down into a cross-legged position on the floor. The box didn’t look bad for its age. The colour was still a decent colour, though it is not as vibrant as it was in the past. 

He removes the lid. The letters were still there, some more yellowed than the others. In one corner where his sneakers were, there’s some foolscap paper. 

When he feels the paper crumpling up in his hands, he recalls what he wants to do. He has a pen in his pocket, so he uses that and begins writing, trying his best to make the words stay on the lines. 

He struggles to write. The words aren’t coming out right. He balls the sheets up and tosses them to the side until he’s written a letter he’s satisfied with. 

It’s going to be a long night.

<<<<>>>>

“What was I supposed to think when I walked in and saw you fast asleep in your own closet and reeking of cheap beer,” Taeri groans. She’s sitting on the sofa, dressed in sweatpants and his hoodie. “How? What? Why?”

He feels sheepish, using a hand to absently run through his hair. “I’m sorry. To be honest, if I knew you were coming over, I wouldn’t have drunk at all.”

His little sister is in his living room, understandably sourpussed and frustrated. She’s had to clean him up, get him changed into more comfortable clothes and throw him into bed. And she even cooked hangover soup for him in the morning. She never cooks. 

Taeil can feel his face going warm. He’s always taken good care of her, something his parents had drilled into him when she was first born. As the older brother, he should be the one to fuss over her and take care of her. Today the roles are reversed. 

“You should have at least told me?” He’s uneasily drumming his fingers on his thighs, standing against the door frame of his room. He can smell the body wash on himself, although he’s pretty sure he didn’t shower last night. Maybe she had thrown her into the shower room and let him do his own thing. He runs on autopilot most of the time, after all. 

“It was meant to be a surprise,” Taeri says, curling into the throw pillow she’s holding. “We haven’t hung out for a long time. And the last time we did you treated me to a meal. I didn’t have any money to buy you anything nice, so I decided on showing up to your doorstep with pizza after work. We could have watched that new anime series on Netflix! But you were drunk so I ended up sleeping on your couch instead.” 

“I’m older, it’s only natural that I treat you,” he replies. He dodges the pillow she aims at his face. “How about we go and watch the anime now?” He settles onto the couch next to her, guiding her head to rest on his shoulder. 

“It won’t be the same.” Taeil can hear the upset in her voice. He sighs, turning on the television. 

“A show is a show,” he says. “How about I draw the curtains? We can pretend it’s night time.” He takes the silence as yes and shuffles through the new shows, trying his best to remember the anime she’s been raving about getting animated. The thumbnail has a picture of some sort of anthropomorphic animals, both donning school uniforms. A wolf and a bunny. It looks weird, but Taeri had held off watching the show until she could do it with him, so he absolutely has to watch it.

It’s nice. As she said, it’s truly been quite a while since they had sat down like this, only accompanied by peacefulness. They’ve both been busy lately. Life can do that sometimes, he thinks. Despite her not living too far away from here, she’s preoccupied with her university work and him with his own assignments. He was in her place as well just three years ago. 

It’s strange, though. He’d think that Taeri would have gone back to her dorms if she had seen him asleep. But she stayed over and slept here. 

They’re halfway through a particularly engaging episode when he speaks up. “Taeri, why are you here?”

Her sigh is punctuated, loud and heavy. She’s leaning against the end of the couch, looking like she’s about to launch into one of her sessions where she just talks for a long time without stopping. “My roommate got a boyfriend. I really don’t want to be the third wheel. They’re being all mushy and stuff.”

“Love is overrated anyway,” Taeil says, sinking deeper into the couch. Her hair is coarse in his hands, basically undead from her multiple dying jobs. She’s always been a dreamer, even until now when she’s twenty-two and having shed the childlike innocence he's familiar with through the years.

Suddenly, she sits upright, leaving Taeil befuddled. “You shouldn’t say that.” She bumps his shoulder with her own. ”Your love life should be better than mine since you’re older. Anyone new you’ve met?”

He turns towards the television, shutting his eyes tight. As absurd as it sounds, Taeil, a grown man, has never been in a serious relationship. Nobody has stuck long enough to count. The crushes he’s had since after graduating are few and far between. It’s difficult to have a head-spinning, dizzying crush while being cynical, he thinks. He doesn’t think he’ll ever like someone like that much again. 

“No,“ Taeil sighs. “Not in a long time.” 

“What!” She gasps, crossing her arms. “You’re such a good catch! You should be on a date with someone, but you’re here with your bratty little sister, watching an anime about a wolf in love with a bunny. It’s sad,” she mutters to herself. 

It’s funny. He thinks he’s come to terms with the way his life is now. It doesn’t feel like he’s missing anything. It’s like that sometimes. The only thing he bothers dressing up for is his work, but the attire is never formal. Most of the time he finds himself hunching over a computer or a keyboard, composing and arranging the next big hits on the radio. It’s easy money to him, doing something he loves. He’s never looked back since.

“I’m fine,” he says. “I’m content with where I am.” And his smile is genuine, a little lazy. 

He fails to catch the mischievous spark that buzzes under her pulse. Taeri is far from satisfied with his plateau. Although it would be nice to have things shake up a bit, he didn’t want it to be too extreme.

(Today Taeri leaves in a hurry, her bag heavier than usual. On the way to her dorm, she’ll take a detour to the post office to buy some stamps. It won’t take long. She’s a woman on a mission, after all.)

<<<<>>>>

“Good morning,” Taeil says when he hears the door swing open. He reaches up for his hair. It’s an unruly mess at this hour, no matter how short it is. His workplace switches around sometimes. Occasionally days it’s at home, when there’s nothing much to do except monitor one of his songs on the charts, sometimes, it’s at SM Entertainment, where he's poring over a computer. He’s got his bag on a table at the SMTown Cafe. There’s still an hour until the place opens. So it’s quiet. 

“Hi,” Yuta greets. All of a sudden, he feels way more conscious. It’s inevitable when you know someone like Yuta. He claims he’s not a morning person, but personally, Taeil finds that hard to believe. Yuta is the kind of man who is always well-dressed. Even in the mornings, his casual clothes had style pulling it all together. He also has a handsome face. He’s gone through several hair colours over the time Taeil has known him, and he pulls off every single one. 

To see him here is something that only happens once in a while. It’s a treat that Taeil relishes. And today, he looks lovely as usual. 

“Why are you here today?" Taeil picks up his bag and starts to head to the elevator. Yuta has the cheek to feign a little offense. He hurries after Taeil, past the elevator doors and next to him. Taeil finds himself tense slightly when Yuta smiles a half-smile, crooked on his lips. 

“You already can guess,” Yuta says. His hair is in a half-up half-down hairstyle. It's a style he likes to wear these days. Taeil reaches forward to press the buttons, one for where the practice rooms are, another for where the studio is. “I’m going to be drilling Dream today. Comeback soon, remember?” 

Taeil smiles too. Of course, he knows. He had composed two tracks for their new album a while back. These days Yuta’s been hard at work, spending time back to back choreographing for many groups. He’s made quite a name for himself in this industry.

He leaves for his floor, waving goodbye. The lazy morning lull eclipses him again once the doors close. He walks along to his studio, listening to his steps and thinking about a new tune he’s suddenly come up with in his head. It happens a lot after he talks to Yuta. 

For two hours he doesn’t do much. He talks to a few of the senior composers, sketches out a little bit of the tune in his head onto a piano, adds an off-sounding snare to his demo, then he comes to a stop. For a while, his fingers linger over the keys, and although he can feel the beginnings of the song starting to form, nothing really spins out. Eventually, Taeil simply runs through the contacts on his phone, at a loss of what to do. Normally he just waits it out. But maybe he can change it up a little today. 

He excuses himself to go downstairs. A few fans are already milling around the cafe. He buys six drinks, all different. It’s easy because the menu indicates which are a specific member’s favourites. As for Yuta, he gets him a yoghurt smoothie. There are two different flavours, mango and strawberry. So he buys both anyway. He’ll just take the one Yuta doesn’t prefer. 

When he enters the practice room, there’s a lingering smell of sweat. Yuta is standing by the side, watching Dream dancing in the mirror. The sound of the demo echoes through the walls, loud and unyielding. This is from a foreign producer, he knows. It’s missing a second chorus. He waits for the song to end. 

“Hey guys,” Taeil calls. He sees Dream’s faces brighten up immediately. It’s like a blanket of tension lifts. There’s an echoing, revered chorus of his name before they rush to gather around him, glancing at the carton holder in his hand. 

Jisung, the youngest, gasps. “Taeil, did you buy those drinks for us?” Even as he turns eighteen this year, he still has a sweet, child-like quality to him, Taeil thinks. The rest of the members notice, too, and they all hurriedly bow their heads. They all look exhausted, then they pause, turning behind to glance at Yuta for approval. “Go ahead,” Yuta says. They take their drinks with happy smiles and thanks. 

Yuta slowly walks up to him from his spot. Taeil takes the remaining two smoothies from the cardboard holder, holding them up for Yuta to see. “Pick one,” he says. “You like yoghurt smoothies, right?” 

“Yes I do,” Yuta says, sounding surprised. He takes a mango smoothie and begins sipping, his body relaxing with an icy wash down his throat. When he’s halfway done, he stops to smile at Taeil, a full, heart-shaped smile that folds the inner corners of his cheeks. “Thank you. What’s the occasion?”

“Just feeling stuck,” Taeil murmurs, burning Yuta’s smile into his mind. The tune he had been thinking about begins lifting itself back up to the surface again. “It would be nice to see you guys. I need some youthfulness in my life.”

“You’re still young, Taeil, don’t say that,” a high pitched voice protests. It’s Donghyuck, one of the members, sitting cross-legged on the floor. “You’re very radiant.” It’s sobering to Taeil to see how he looks now. He’s grown finely into his childish features, and looks far more mature, even while wearing an oversized hoodie and printed pyjama pants. 

“If you say so,” Taeil says. Donghyuck frowns slightly but continues drinking. 

“You should head back,” Yuta says after they spend ten minutes doing nothing. Taeil finishes up his drink, crushing his carton into a ball in his palm. He thinks that he could give something of substance to the tune after this. He’s already itching to get back to his keyboard. 

He waves. As he leaves, they all wave at him goodbye, then turn back to their work after a beat. He can still feel someone’s stare on him lingering, but maybe Taeil is just imagining it. 

<<<<<>>>>>

Taeil goes through the motions. There’s a little bit of a hiccup when he accidentally missed out a track while layering for another demo, but it’s nothing a little overtime can’t fix. When he leaves the building, it’s quieter than normal. The sun is setting, and the sky is turning dark, the perfect canvas. The lamps lining the sides of the street are like glowing fireflies in the dark. 

From the inside of the building, he could see a small figure in the distance, but he heeds no mind. It's quite late. Maybe that person just happened to be passing by. But the figure only grows bigger, until it was less of a shadow. More details started to take shape in his vision. It’s a woman. Someone with short hair. 

“Taeil!” A light voice calls. The familiar sound makes him jump. 

“Seungwan,” he blurts out. It is her!

She stops in front of him, at a loss of words for a moment. She pulls out a yellowing envelope from her pocket. It’s slightly crumpled, but Taeil recognises it at once. It’s his handwriting, after all, the one he had back in junior high when it was still readable. And there are flowers scribbled on it, the address of her old home-- oh my god-- it’s his letter! It’s his writing! 

Taeil feels his veins slam into his skin, reeling from the cold. It’s like a bucket of ice has just been dumped on him. The aftermath splinters over the place. He feels a little faint. 

“You, you, how are you here,” Taeil says, stumbling over his words. “Aren’t you in Canada?”

She smiles so brightly under the dim lighting of the lamp. Her teeth are all straightened out now. She’s shed weight off her face, and her hair is shorn so that it ends at her shoulders. It’s been years, but it’s still unmistakably Seungwan. Seungwan Son, the pretty girl from his choir: his very first crush, the one with the lovely voice. 

“Taeil.” She says suddenly, brushing her hair out of her face. Her Korean sounds slightly different from before. “I’m sorry if I scared you. It’s just that this letter arrived a while back at my parents’ house and they called me about it.” 

She stops. “The wind is so harsh. Maybe we should go somewhere to grab a coffee?”

There’s a small place right across the street. They settle into a booth by the window. Everyone out here is particularly well-dressed. It makes sense. They’re in a business district after all. Everyone wants to grab a snack after work. Taeil is still dressed in a simple hoodie, too used to the casual dressing he wears to work. At least Seungwan looks presentable, in a sweater and skinny jeans. 

She sits on the opposite side of the table. Her feet don’t reach the floor from her seat. Even now she’s still petite, probably barely clocking in at under a hundred and sixty centimetres. It’s not like Taeil can brag though. He’s also under average in stature. But the way her eyes carry this easy confidence makes him shrink into himself a little. She looks like she’s got it all together. Not to mention, his pulse is going way too fast, like some ticking time bomb. 

The envelope she had earlier is laying underneath her hands. Taeil keeps looking at it, so she notices. Seungwan nurses the slice of cheesecake she’s bought, nibbling at her fork. 

“It must be a big surprise for you to see me here,” she pipes up. Taeil nods, It’s not just the fact that she’s back here after moving to Ontario thirteen years ago that makes him feel shocked. Last he had heard of her wasn’t through her directly, rather, he had seen her on her mother’s Facebook page. She’s been making a name for herself back in Canada as a singer, her top song earning her several million streams. 

“It’s just,” Taeil begins, running a hair through his hair. “I haven’t seen you in years, and then you show up here and..”

“Funny,” she says. “I had been putting off a trip back home for a while, and when I had heard from my parents about this, I found an excuse to come here. I hope you don’t mind.”

She opens the envelope and slides the letter out. Taeil winces, remembering the little detailing he had left by the side of the letter. Cringy, if he might add. He can only remember bits and pieces of what he’s written. 

“Dear Seungwan,” she recites under her breath. “I never knew you had a crush on me! Was this written thirteen years ago?” She takes Taeil’s silence as a yes, then she folds the letter back into its original shape. “Wow, I guess I have proof that someone liked me back in Korea.”

He finally lets out a loud sigh, thoughts running through his mind. “You shouldn’t be reading that. If you’re reading this, that would mean the rest of the letters are out. Wait. Are they?” 

“What, there’s more than one letter? Were they all love letters? What a player, Taeil Moon,” she says teasingly. “Don’t panic. Were these all those letters written back in junior high?”

“No,” he replies. Then he pauses. What is he saying? Is he about to tell her everything? She places a hand on top of his, stroking it comfortingly. 

"Okay." Taeil sighs. He already feels bad for telling her. "When I like someone very much, and the crush gets too overwhelming, I write it down in a letter, as if they'll read it. But I never send it out. I've been doing it since I had a crush on you. You were my first love." 

Seungwan gasps. "Wait, seriously? I was? What an honour," she says sternly. Taeil can't tell if she's trying to be funny, but it makes him smile a little. She’s sweet. “Besides that, could you tell me about the other people you wrote to?”

Taeil decides, okay whatever, Seungwan doesn’t know any of them personally. “There’s you, there’s Seulgi from summer camp, there’s Hansol, my neighbour back in university, there’s Donghyuck, there’s…”

Wait. He feels a name at the edge of his tongue. But he isn't certain about that name. Yuta? His crush on Yuta isn't a recent development. He hadn’t written a letter in two years. In the span of time he hadn’t harboured any affection for anyone, there wasn’t much. Most of the letters in his box are starting to smell musty from age. 

“I’m not sure about the last one,” Taeil says, feeling frightened. Had he written a letter to Yuta? That would be absolutely mortifying. But he’d never been to Yuta’s house before, nor did he know his address. Normally, he would write the recipient’s address on the envelope on every one of his love letters. Then he remembers writing messily on notebook paper, in a ballpoint pen he found in one of his old bags, dictating a whole six paragraphs of the feelings and wishes he wants to spend with Yuta. 

”It’s okay. Why don’t you go home and think about it? We can talk another time. Let’s keep in touch, Taeil.” She tentatively holds onto the letter for a moment before sliding it over towards Taeil. He stares with wide eyes. “Do you want to keep it?“

“It’s fine. Maybe I should just take a picture of it, for future reference.” Before he knows it, he takes his phone in the pocket, lays out his letter flat against the table and snaps a picture. He can feel the grooves of his handwriting into the paper, sincere and marked deep into the parchment. It's old. But it's still warm. 

<<<<<>>>>>

_Dear Seungwan,_

_When my mom and dad told me I would start liking girls, I honestly didn't expect this. It's so strange! I don't remember the other boys telling me about having feelings that make you want to crawl up into a ball and die because of how embarrassing it feels. I never expected this. It's all because of you._

_I think how this started wasn't really like, I saw you enter the room and BOOM I'm head over heels in love with you. I think it kind of started out slowly? I remember the second day of school and you were walking into the room after me. And we had to line up in rows to match our pitch one by one according to whatever key the choir director was pressing on the piano._

_I was super super nervous. I didn't want to mess up in front of other people, so my heart was beating so loud, I wasn't paying attention. If you hadn't nudged me from the back, I think I wouldn't have made the cut. I'm happy you did because I got to know you._

_You're never gonna read this letter anyway, so I'm going to be honest. I didn't think you were very pretty at first. But as I got to know you, I warmed up to you more and I thought you were the nicest girl I've ever met. You're kind and talented. I didn't start liking you back then._

_But it all ballooned one day. I woke up one uneventful morning and thought about you. Then I came to school, we auditioned for parts in the Christmas Concert. We both got two different parts of the solo. The teachers thought our voices were compatible. That evening we stayed behind together and we mulled over a music sheet. When you brushed your shoulder against mine as we sat next to each other, it felt like something light and glittery and started flying in my chest._

_It's nothing like the movies. Having a crush on feels nothing like flying. But talking to you makes me feel a different kind of happy. If I could ever go on a date with you, it'll be nice. But you're leaving for Canada and I'll never see you again. I guess this is it._

_Take care,_

_Taeil._

<<<<<>>>>>

Taeil is walking like how he normally does after work. He walks, takes the train, then he takes the bus, sticks his face out of the window to cool it in the autumn breeze, then rushes out of the bus like he's got an assailant on his tail. 

He first makes sure there is nobody in the hallway before he sprints to the door. He drops his bag onto the living room floor and enters his closet, turning on the lights, looking for any sign of a hat box on the shelf. 

There is none. But he does find one of his address books in the corner of his room, and some crushed up paper balls by his shoe rack. 

Then he crouches down to see if it's under his bed. It takes a while for him to pry it out from the narrow corner, but when he's done he removes the lid, only to see an empty box, devoid of envelopes. 

The letters are out. 

<<<<>>>>>

"I don't know," Taeil says to himself, staring at his reflection in his cup of instant coffee. "I don't know how they got out." 

It's a Saturday morning, a day he normally spends at work. He doesn't work on Sundays. Just for a day, he calls in for sick leave in exchange to talk to Seungwan. Turns out she has an apartment nearby, so they meet up at a quieter part of town. He stares at his pale face in the coffee mirror. Maybe he really is sick. 

Seungwan says nothing, but she doesn't look convinced. She's been doing that face a lot ever since she got here. She decides to be the investigator for his case, in her own words. "I think you do know," she says, crossing her arms. "I just think you don't want to admit it." 

She's right. Taeil sighs again as if he's got the whole world on his shoulders. He thinks he might have aged a few years overnight while tossing and turning in bed, too occupied with thinking about the letters. It's honestly not a big deal in retrospect. It’s just that Taeil has never mustered the courage to confess to any of his crushes, so this is how he gets over them. 

It’s definitely Taeri. Nobody else could have done it. He could have called her the day before to confront her about it. But he knows that she’s already struggling with some of her schoolwork. Taeil could scold her another time. If that is the case, surely the letter he had written wouldn’t make it to Yuta? He could foresee himself in the near future, avoiding Yuta like the plague. That wouldn’t leave a good impression. After all this, he is still Taeil’s friend. 

“Taeil, all you’ve done is avoid my questions like a master acrobat,” she says. “Could you please tell me why you don’t want the letters to reach the recipients? It’s a childish thing of the past, I’m sure it’ll be worth a laugh, and then that’s it.”

“Oh, I wish it was that simple to me.” Taeil wrings at his hands. “Out of the five letters that I’ve written, there are two people that absolutely can’t see it. Firstly there’s Donghyuck. The problem is that I wrote it two years ago and back then he was eighteen, he treated me like an older brother and that would be creepy, I don’t want a rift to form between us. Honestly, though, I think I accepted the fact that he might end up seeing it, and I’m getting myself ready for that ever since yesterday.” 

“One more,” Seungwan says, absorbing all of this information like a sponge. “Who is the person who can’t know?”

“There’s a choreographer who comes to the company I work at often. I like him. Like, a lot, it’s so weird. It’s just a crush don’t get me wrong, alright, the only problem is that he’s my good friend’s ex and they had a messy breakup.”

She frowns. “That’s it?” Then she’s tapping her perfectly manicured fingers against the table again, making that weird knocking sound. Taeil wonders why he hadn’t told her to stop doing that, and he decides he will never tell her. “I expected more. Is this just some part of the bro code?”

Taeil curls some of his sweater fabric into a tight hold. He can’t remember the last time he poured out his heart like this, spilling it out in a public place for someone else to pick out and look through. Maybe he just doesn’t like feeling vulnerable, or he likes to bottle things up too often. “He has a girlfriend. They’ve been dating for a while.” 

Seungwan lets out a whoosh of air. “There it is.” Leaning forward a little, she can only pat him on the shoulder. She looks even tinier in her oversized clothes, thick enough to withstand the dry morning cold. Her eyebrows aren’t here. He feels ashamed. She might be spending time with her parents she hasn’t seen in ages, instead of him. Yet, here she is. 

"Taeil. Maybe you should think about talking to Donghyuck first? If you learn how to deal with him, you'll learn how to deal with Yuta. Baby steps." 

His phone pings in his pocket, so he pulls it out to take a look at his messages. Speaking of the devil, there’s one from Donghyuck. The younger man had sent a message. “Taeil, you were sick today? I was wondering where you were,” he says aloud. “Could I buy some breakfast and send it to your house? Feeling sick is the worst.”

Seungwan only smiles knowingly at him, like she knows something he doesn’t. He squeezes his phone tighter. 

“Do you want to meet up with him today,” she asks softly. He looks back imploringly. 

What would Donghyuck think if he sees him completely well and healthy? Taeil hasn’t taken a sick day off in a year or so. Hopefully, Donghyuck wouldn’t realise. Or maybe he’s thinking too much. He’s not even sure whether the message has reached him yet. The envelope for Donghyuck’s letter ought to have his dorm’s address on it. Then again, another one of the Dream members could end up seeing it first, if they were curious enough. 

Taeil thinks before typing out a reply. 

<<<<>>>>

He shoves his hands deeper into his pockets. Seoul is painted in a coat of impermeable black. Stars brightly light up the sides of the street. A city like this is never asleep. 

Under the low light from a convenience store, Taeil can see Donghyuck standing there, although dressed in simple clothing, he's wearing makeup on his face. 

Slowing down his steps, Taeil times his movements with the low sound of his heartbeat drumming underneath his chest. He's scared that he might see a sight that reminds him of what Seungwan did, after all these years -- Donghyuck clutching an envelope to his chest. 

He still feels embarrassed about it. So he just continues walking. Donghyuck has a slight smile playing across his lips, looking very different from the glamourous Donghyuck Taeil sees in the magazines and billboards. He fully knows that Donghyuck has never changed that much. He’s still the same person. But it’s difficult to figure out what Taeil is feeling now because he's still drowsy from sleep. He accidentally steps into a shallow puddle of water, effectively waking him up. 

“Hey,” Donghyuck says. He looks tired. Judging from the makeup on his face, glittery and remnants of sparkly gloss left on his lips, Taeil guesses Dream must have been filming for a special performance stage. It doesn’t suit what he is wearing. 

“Hey,” Taeil says back. His stomach insistently rumbles, and Donghyuck hears. The younger man points to the lazy glow of a Yoshinoya shop a little ways ahead and holds out an arm. Taeil takes it. 

The walk is quiet. There’s a sound of a motorcycle speeding by. He wants to turn his head to look at Donghyuck, but he's not sure what to expect. It's four am in the morning, after all. 

"Did you come from a schedule," Taeil asks. From his silhouette, he can see Donghyuck nodding mutely, then they drift off into silence again. 

The door opens with a jingle. A bored-looking employee stands at the counter. There are a few plates on the tables, yet to be cleared. Both of them grab a beef bowl. They wait for the food to be ready before they look for a table to eat. 

They go upstairs. There's no one there. From here the sky looks so much infinitely brighter in the absence of sunlight, and the twinkling galaxy of glowing building lights make it the city so much more solemn. They take a seat by the window. 

Taeil can finally see how Donghyuck looks like, no longer obscured by the cover of shadow. He looks so grown now. He reminds Taeil of Taeri. There's no longer this bright sparkle in his eyes. It's replaced by the more weary, like he's seen too much, just enough to become cynical. 

It feels odd. They haven't eaten out together in ages -- would the correct way to phrase it is that they had drifted apart? When Donghyuck was younger he loved to follow Taeil around, but now he is grown. 

Smiling at his dish, Donghyuck breaks apart his wooden chopsticks. "I'm so hungry! Let's eat!" 

"It's nice to be here with you," he says after they're halfway done with their meal. "We haven't been out here for a while."

"I feel the same way," Taeil admits, leaning forward to grab some kimchi in between his chopsticks. "I haven't seen you go out without a mask in what, forever?" 

"Yeah," Donghyuck muses. "It's difficult to go around without getting noticed nowadays. It's only at an hour like this, if I'm not tired enough to go out, then I can skip through the streets like this. I think I miss being out." 

"I'll take you out then," Taeil says quickly without thinking. Donghyuck laughs at that. 

"I'll send you my schedule. I'm a busy man after all," he says sweetly. They finish their meal and put it away. 

"Oh, it's raining," Taeil says. He lifts a palm out, feeling the raindrops gathering in it. Donghyuck, thankfully, pulls out a small umbrella from his jacket pocket. 

It's a little of a tight squeeze under the umbrella. Their shoulders brush against each other. Donghyuck lets the rain wet his left shoulder; there's not enough space for both of them. 

"The last time we were here, we went to the park, right? Let's pay a visit." 

They take shelter under a pavilion, Taeil shaking off the rain off the umbrella, while Donghyuck sits down. Why Donghyuck suddenly asked him out, he doesn't know, Taeil thinks. He hadn't even mentioned why. 

It's romantic here. There's a lazy lull of buzzing grasshoppers chirping. Donghyuck removes a small camera recorder from his back and holds it out. 

"Oh?" Taeil feels his mouth fall open. "Hey, isn't that…?" 

"It's the one we used to film my evaluations," Donghyuck said, turning the camera on. "It's sudden, but could you do me a favour?" 

Taeil already takes it from him, slotting his fingers through the handle. It feels so familiar.

Back then when he just started coming to the company as a university student, he had run into Donghyuck. Donghyuck had asked that he had filmed his weekly evaluation as a part of his training, and Taeil had done it for three years until he debuted. It's funny how time flies. Seven years have flown by. They're much different from before, but still intrinsically similar. 

“What’s this for?” Donghyuck starts playing audio on his phone. It’s a clip of his voice, light and soft, accompanied by the strings of a guitar. Probably recorded in a studio. He hasn’t heard this song before, maybe it’s a cover?

“It’s for the Dream Music channel. My own song,” Donghyuck chitters happily. Taeil grins at that. It wouldn’t be long before Donghyuck would start composing songs that would end up in Dream’s new EP. It had been quite a while since the younger man started learning to make a tune of his own. It is long overdue. 

Taeil doesn’t have to strain his ears to hear the lyrics. “Do you know this song is about you,” his voice croons from the phone speaker. “Have I fallen a beat too late? I see you looking somewhere else and I wonder if you’ll ever look my way again.”

He can see Donghyuck’s cheeks flush despite the shade. “Don’t bother about the lyrics.” He looks away and sighs. “He’ll never know.”

Taeil doesn’t prod. He only holds up a hand to count down for filming. Donghyuck leans back, ruffling his hair, trying to give his best side for the video. He slides the phone behind him, a thumb hovering over the play button. 

“Wait,” Donghyuck says abruptly. He chews on the bottom lip as if he’s trying to find the right words in his head. “Um, do you have something to tell me? Anything you forgot about?”

“What.” Taeil immediately thinks of the letter, but he pushes the thought away, steels a straight face and shakes his head. “Nothing.” 

“I see,” Donghyuck replies slowly. There’s a note of disappointment in his tone. “Thank you for helping me, by the way. Shall we begin?”

<<<<<>>>>>

He returns to work. He still feels apologetic about taking a sick day. So he's been coming in earlier in the morning for the past two weeks at 7 am, 3 hours before his usual reporting time. It's become a habit for him to be early. There's not much to do in the morning. 

The building is big and empty. At this time, normally only the artists and their managers are in. Taeil hears his shoes squeak across the shiny wooden floor of the lobby. 

He hasn't eaten breakfast yet. Maybe he should go to the vending machine in the company cafeteria and grab a snack bar? It's right beside a whole hallway of practice rooms for the trainees' convenience. He might run into the company artists while looking rather tired. But for now, he doesn't care. He cares too much about what other people think anyway. 

Placing his bag on a bench, Taeil buys a sandwich from a machine and waits for it to be prepared. All the lights in the place are off, except for the bright light streaming in from the rooms nearby. He's so occupied with keeping an ear out for it to be finished that he doesn't notice someone else stepping into the cafeteria as well. 

"Taeil," a voice echoes. He freezes up as if he's been caught doing something he shouldn't be, seizing up his shoulders. 

It's not a fear of the unknown. Far from it. It's more of trepidation, what will happen next; the inevitable finally coming to light. He doesn't say a word, holding his breath, waiting for the familiar sound of the sandwich dropping out with a thunk. He does not answer. 

He swiftly bends down to scoop up his breakfast in his hands. It's still too hot to be eaten, but he ignores the scalding feeling. He swings his bag onto one shoulder and turns around to see Yuta standing at the entrance of the cafeteria, looking much more dishevelled than he typically does. 

"I'm sorry, I think I really have to go. See you another time?" He readies himself to dash by Yuta, but this time Yuta won't let him escape. 

It's stupid. He knows that. It's a bad habit of his, running away. It's not like he doesn't know what becomes of it. He was a student once, ignoring his math assignments, until they stacked up, one over another in the form of a backlog. Same thing. Eventually what he's running away from will come back, snapping at his heels incessantly. It's only a matter of when. 

"Taeil," Yuta repeats sternly, and he feels his insides positively twist. Yuta doesn't say the words aloud, but he's understandably annoyed. Taeil has ignored his texts, his calls, his attempts to talk to in private. 

"God, Yuta, can you just," Taeil says, in front of Yuta. He's blocking the way. It's the first time in two weeks that Taeil has finally been pushed into a corner. So far he could escape by walking away or joining someone else's conversation. "Let me go? Please?" 

Yuta's face twitches slightly. "Is it that hard to talk to me? I never knew you were like this, Taeil," he says. Taeil instantly feels guilty. 

Another set of footsteps trickle down the hallway. 

"Taeil, there you are," he exclaims. Donghyuck runs up to Yuta, looking rather cross despite his friendly tone. "We were going to talk about the new track I composed?" 

"Yes," Taeil agrees quickly. Yuta pauses in front of an audience, then relents and folds off to the side. Donghyuck easily grabs Taeil's arm and drags him off to the direction of a recording studio, slamming the door close. 

Taeil doesn't think he can look Yuta in the eye as they stride away. 

Sitting himself down onto a chair, Donghyuck waits. They wait for the tell-tale flutter of steps walking away from the outside. When he knows that Yuta has finally left, Taeil lets out a breath. 

"What on earth was that?" Donghyuck is facing the wall of the room, so Taeil can't tell what he is feeling. "Why won't you talk to Yuta?" 

There's a rush of hot air rising up underneath his cheeks. Taeil fervently hopes his face isn't turning pink. It takes him a while to string the right things together. "I can’t explain it to you now, but, I really really don’t want to talk to him.”

Crap. Had Donghyuck got the letter? Taeil desperately wishes Donghyuck could turn around right now. All he can see is the back of his head and it’s making him jittery. The palpable emotion hanging in the air is indiscernible. Is he feeling that too? 

“Could I help you with that? Anything?” 

Taeil tucks his hands into the crook of his folded arms. To trouble someone else would be horrible. Besides, even if Donghyuck hadn’t got the letter yet, he is bound to. “I honestly don’t know,” Taeil relents tightly. 

Then Donghyuck finally turns around. His lips were drawn in a straight line. “Why don’t I pretend to be your boyfriend? That means I have the ability to tell him to back off, and he can’t say anything about it.”

“What? Donghyuck, remember, you’re an idol. If anyone ever got the pretence you were dating someone, especially without the company knowing, you would get in trouble,” Taeil says, rebuking. He wasn’t sure what Donghyuck was implicating earlier, but whatever he had expected, it certainly wasn’t this. 

“We don’t have to tell anyone,” Donghyuck says. “We just do enough for him to misunderstand. Then he’ll back off every time I walk up.”

“Misunderstand?” Taeil’s mind is not being kind to him right now. His imagination is drawing endless possibilities. “Like how?”

“Couple things,” Donghyuck says, getting up and walking towards him. “Like affection. Or he could see us going on dates. Sharing clothes. Hand holding.”

He cups a hand over Taeil’s cheek and their gazes meet for a moment. Donghyuck’s brown eyes are unbearably soft, something malleable, and there’s a little of something he doesn’t recognise. Taeil listens to his heart drumming underneath his ribs, slow and resounding with every beat. Their foreheads bump lightly together. Taeil shuts his eyes. 

(Did he do that because he is scared of what he’d see? Or is he scared of his heart falling out of his chest?)

“Just like this,” Donghyuck whispers, sounding hazy, pleasantly unreal. “Would it be difficult?”

This is going to crash and burn in his face, Taeil manages to think. But he finds himself swept up with Donghyuck anyways, lost in his new charms. God, he is so screwed. 

<<<<>>>>

When Renjun passes by them holding hands in the hall, he doesn't blink an eye. 

It's still kind of nerve-wracking to hold Donghyuck's hand. It's silly, he knows. It's as if he's a fifteen-year-old again with a high school puppy love. He gets worried about his dry hands and ends up going to a Nature Republic to get some hand cream. 

After Donghyuck's proposal, they end up timing their arrivals to the company building to match, so they can walk in together and avoid any interruptions. Taeil fears that one of these days Yuta will simply walk up to Donghyuck and ask him to give them some space to talk. But for now, Taeil is sure that Yuta would not, especially with someone he's working together within a professional setting. An idol. 

Donghyuck had reasoned, if they would ever convince Yuta they were dating, they had to convince Renjun first. Taeil knows that Renjun is by far, the sharpest member of Dream. If they could fool him, what more Yuta? The reasoning is off-centred, but they end up going with it.

They try to walk down the hallway holding hands. But Renjun doesn't even notice. 

They sit down on a bench on the top floor of the building, where there's a garden. In the afternoons, the clouds are like fluffy bunches in the sky. It's pretty up here. Taeil can't admire them, unfortunately. There's too much on his mind. 

"Did you see what Renjun did," Donghyuck mutters, frustrated. He places two hands on his hips and looks down at his feet. "He didn't even notice!" 

"Well, you are an affectionate person, you know. It's normal for you to hold hands with your friends," Taeil supplies. "We shouldn't fuss too much about this. Don't worry." 

"It is a big deal." The younger man sighs, hugging a knee to his chest. He tilts his head to the side, and his brown hair catches the light in the sun. "I don't know how this is going to work. I was the one who suggested this. I'm sorry." 

Taeil pokes Donghyuck's cheek with a finger. "No worries," he says. "If it won't work, maybe we should..?" 

Suddenly, Donghyuck's head snaps up, a light bulb going off in his head. He whips around to give Taeil a childish grin. "We need to turn it up a notch! Do things that friends normally won't do." 

"Like what?" He's already taking out his phone, holding it up. 

"We can change our phone backgrounds to each other's faces. Then we can deliberately show Yuta, say that you're letting him see the time. What kind of assumption would you form from that?" 

Taeil's sure that he has an old picture back when Donghyuck was a trainee, so he begins looking through his phone gallery. He picks one out quickly. It's easy because Donghyuck looks cute in every one. 

"I changed my phone recently and haven't uploaded my old files onto my new one," Donghyuck says. "Could I take a picture of you?" 

"Oh, er, sure." Taeil is certain he's going to come out bad on the camera. There's a breakout on his face and his hoodie has an old ice cream stain on the front. He sits there and waits nervously for the telling click. 

Donghyuck draws back to look at his screen, taps at it a little and smiles at it, content. "Hey, can I see? I hope I don't look odd, if I do you can always retake it.. it always takes me a while to get a good picture," Taeil says, trailing off. 

He holds up the phone for Taeil to see. "Don't worry, you look beautiful," he says. He sounds like he firmly believes it himself. 

There's white sunlight spilling a jagged edge over his face, tracing the edges of his lashes. At the same time he could see the spots and the uneven parts of his skin. The sky is a lovely shade of blue in the back of the picture. 

"Give yourself some credit, Taeil," Donghyuck says, putting his phone back into his pocket. "You're quite a sight." 

Taeil doesn't know what to say, so he laughs, feeling the tip of his ears warm at the praise. 

"Perhaps Renjun doesn't think we act like a couple enough," he remarks, pensive. He's finally joining in on Donghyuck's mission, as ridiculous as it sounds. Donghyuck may have aged a few years, but he's only twenty years old. 

Snapping his fingers, Donghyuck jumps slightly on the heels of his feet, up and down on the spot. "I know! We have to practice!" 

"Practice how," Taeil says, amused by his antics. 

"We can go out on a date together. Let's just go out and spend time with each other," Donghyuck says. "We'll get more natural at it."

This is to avoid Yuta, Taeil reminds himself. So that he'll forget about the envelope and not confront him about it. Still, he can't shake off the thought of Donghyuck's own letter. 

"Okay, but where? Would it be better to go somewhere quiet," Taeil asks. He's mindful of Donghyuck's celebrity status. If anyone ever found out about him going out in public on a date a little while before his comeback, they might find it incriminating. 

"I don't want to hide my face when I go out with you. I want to be myself," Donghyuck says. "We can go to a small place, where a lot of idols go. It's famous for being secretive about their appointments." 

The sole drawback is that the only times Donghyuck could be free nowadays is in the afternoons and the early mornings. Would he get enough sleep? 

"How about you message me just before we go," Taeil suggests. "We can meet up at the train station. I live nearby, so it's not a big deal."

Nodding at that, Donghyuck looks rather delighted with the idea. Taeil can tell he's trying to keep it in, but he's been around the younger man long enough to know. Just thinking about spending time with him more frequently makes him feel happier. He can't wait. 

<<<<>>>>

Taeil stares blankly at his reflection in the wall. He knows that it's nothing serious, but he wants to clean up a little. There's a good forty-five minutes before he has to leave the house for the station. He doesn't remember fussing over his clothes for a while. 

There's a stash of older clothes at the back of his closet that he hasn't worn in a while. He's at a loss of what to wear because Donghyuck hadn't told him exactly where they're going. What would be open in the wee hours of the morning? A club? A restaurant? 

He puts some clothes up against his body to see how they would look and is careful to make sure the colours complement. In the end, he goes for an off white shirt under flannel outerwear, skinny jeans and places a silver stud on his one pierced ear. 

It's already time. Taeil has to rush down to the train station. It'll take a good ten minutes for him to reach the train station near Donghyuck's dorm. He's two minutes too late. He skids down the stairs and readies his train pass. 

His foot accidentally bumps into someone else's on the way down, causing them to drop their pass they're holding. Mortified, Taeil bends down to pick it up in a hurry. “I’m so sorry...ah!”

It’s Donghyuck himself in the flesh, a face mask folded under his chin to reveal the slightest bit of a grinning face. “Hi, Taeil,” he says cheekily. Taeil is relieved to see that he isn’t overdressed. Donghyuck is wearing something similar as well, in a thick hoodie and slacks. 

"Hey, we were supposed to meet up near your place. Why did you take it back to meet me first," Taeil protests. Donghyuck offers a hand to help him up and they walk through the train gates.

There are some people standing by the platform. It's a few people scattered about here and there, mostly people who work the night shift. The lights are much brighter here. 

Donghyuck holds onto Taeil's arm and puts back on his face mask, flipping his jacket hood over his head. Hopefully, nobody would recognise him. It would make Taeil upset if Donghyuck gets recognised, especially if by the wrong people. 

The train arrives. The carriage is mostly empty. They take a seat next to each other. When the train starts moving again, it clicks against the rails, letting out a light, continuous squeak. It's something interesting to listen to, at least. 

"Where are we going," Taeil says, turning over to look at Donghyuck. He can see Donghyuck smile from under his mask because his eyes turn up slightly. 

"Sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I didn't want anyone to know," Donghyuck says. "It's a stupid reason, but honestly, I feel like it's one of the only places I can meet someone without getting somebody snapping a picture of me."

"No worries." Taeil reaches out a hand to ruffle his hair out of affection. However, Donghyuck catches his wrist before he could, frowning. 

"Don't do that," Donghyuck says, although his tone holds no strong bite. "I don't like you treating me like a kid." Instead, he grasps Taeil's hand, intertwining their fingers. At Taeil's surprise, he giggles. 

Taeil feels something in his chest do a funny flip again. It's strange. He used to do this a lot with the people he doted on, like the Dream trainees. But Donghyuck wouldn’t even let him do something as small as this, anymore. 

After a few stops, they get off through an exit with fewer people walking through. Donghyuck leads him to a building, where they take the escalator up to a store on the second floor. 

The exterior of the store are covered in a grassy print wallpaper. Donghyuck knocks on the door a few times. A few seconds pass before it opens into a holding area, with a counter in the front. 

Taeil finds his curiosity piqued. Before they can go in, they have to take off their shoes. He does that while Donghyuck heads to the receptionist. She goes ahead to another door, unlocking it and pushing it open. 

The floor is made out of artificial grass. It feels prickly under Taeil's socks. There's some structure resembling a tree inside. He looks up. The shadow of a cat hangs down from above, leaning precariously on a branch. A soft meow, then accompanied by light thumps of paws. 

Taeil gasps. "Is this a cat café?" Donghyuck doesn't say a word, bringing him to sit down on a seat next to the drink machine. 

"Do you like it?" Taeil nods, bouncing his legs a little. "I'm glad you do. It's a nice place, isn't it?" 

A cat strides out from behind a table. He clicks his tongue and beckons towards it to come closer. It actually works. The feline slinks up to his legs, sniffing his palm. Its whiskers brush against his skin. 

Donghyuck glances upwards to look at a notice board, tacked with pictures of cats on it. "Her name is Jelly," he tells Taeil. 

"Oh, she's so affectionate," Taeil remarks, stroking Jelly's chin. She rumbles deeply under the touch, settling down at his feet and looking up at him with her sparkly big cat eyes. "Thank you for bringing me here. I've heard of a place like this, but I've never actually been to one." 

"You're joking. Never?" Taeil shakes his head. He's just never found the time to go out, not even on his free days. It's twilight hour on a Tuesday morning, but he finds himself very awake. Maybe it has something to do with Donghyuck. Who knows?

"I'm glad I brought you here then," Donghyuck chimes in. "I was afraid you wouldn't like it here. Should I go get drinks for us? I'm going to get some hot chocolate." 

"I'm not picky. The same as you, then," he says. Donghyuck walks off. He takes off his padded jacket, folding it and placing it on the table. This feels an awful lot like an actual date, doesn't it? He wonders if the person Donghyuck wrote the song for ever went on a date together too. Somewhere like this. 

So this would be how going on a date with Donghyuck would be like. Normally, Taeil, as the older person, would plan out things like this. But it's nice as well, to have someone care for you. 

Jelly stretches, teeth showing as she yawns. She crawls onto Taeil's lap, an white ear flicking against his elbow. He just lets her. How could he not? It's cute. If not for his long hours at the building, Taeil would have gotten a pet for himself. It can be lonely. 

"Here's your drink," Donghyuck says. Taeil quickly brings a finger to his lips, pointing to Jelly in his lap. The cups of hot chocolate are placed on the table, and Donghyuck sits back down. 

Also fascinated, Donghyuck brings a hand to stroke Jelly's head. She does not move. "Looks like even cats find you cuddly," he says evenly. 

People have always liked to cuddle up to him. They say he has a warm body, something malleable. Even during the period when he worked out more, people still said the same. 

It was a little different with Yuta, Taeil thinks in a daze. He wasn't naturally inclined to physical affection, but Yuta was so lovely. They would sit by the corners of practice rooms in the evenings, when all the group had been shuffled away for dinner, pull a blanket over their knees and watch some cheesy sitcom off Netflix on Yuta's old tablet. Taeil was the one to snuggle in first, settling in closer to Yuta's colder body, and Yuta would just let him. 

Taeil scoots forward to take the cup of hot chocolate, taking a few sips. He shouldn't be thinking about Yuta right now. He's on a… whatever this is supposed to be with Donghyuck. 

"I'm sorry for being so quiet," he says. "I haven't been on a date for ages, I'm not sure of the right words to say." 

"It's okay, I get it." Donghyuck places his warmer hand on top of Taeil's own. He looks up, and their eyes meet for a long moment. "Wait, do you consider this a date?" 

"Isn't this practice?" He shrugs, watching Jelly's chest rising and falling with every breath, fur rippling. 

"Right," Donghyuck mutters off-handedly. "Just practice."

Taeil ponders for a while. Should he tell Donghyuck about what happened with Yuta? The fact that he helped out with getting him out of that situation earlier was already astonishing. Does he have a right to know? He's still left in the dark, despite all this. He has half the mind to go and text Seungwan about what's going on today. 

He chooses the alternative. If this is a so-called date, Taeil is going to make it the best of it. Not like he had any other dates in the past to compare it to, but he'll take it into his stride. It would be good to catch up with Donghyuck. Although Taeil had technically been spending more time with him, he hadn't heard much from Donghyuck himself. 

"Donghyuck, why don't you tell me whatever you have going on. Absolutely everything." Despite his confused expression, Taeil continues. "I need to know what's going on with you. It's been a while, hasn't it?" 

Mouth opening slightly, Donghyuck knows better and closes it. He lies his head on Taeil's shoulder, adjusting his head until he finds a comfortable spot, then he talks. 

"You know there's a comeback soon," he says. "It's getting tiring. I mean, it's always tiring, but it's getting even more tiring. I didn't know it was possible. It sucks the life out of me. All these schedules are starting to take a toll on me. I probably only get my energy back when I talk to you." 

"Really," Taeil says, stroking his head with his other hand. "Why?" 

"You make me happy," Donghyuck says. "I wish I had appreciated you earlier. When you were always here for me." 

He lets his eyelids be slightly half-open, but not low enough to be tempted by the allure of a nap. Taeil listens to this, listening to how Donghyuck glazes over his words. 

"You were always here, last time. Why is it like this now?" For a beat, Donghyuck doesn't seem all grown up anymore, suddenly the same teenager who just wanted his friend's attention, the one who he could lie on; count on. "I think I'm too late, far too late to be like acting like this." 

A question hangs in Taeil's throat. If he is bolder, maybe he would say it aloud. But what would Donghyuck say? He doesn't know why he ever thought that Donghyuck changed. Although he's grown, he's still the same, except that he's fleshed out in different directions. 

Something is different, though. Donghyuck leads him by the hand. He has always done that, like when Donghyuck would bring him into the practice rooms to show off a new dance he learnt, or to let him watch a new show he can't stop talking about. It's not exactly the same. 

What does Donghyuck get from this fake dating? Does he really like Taeil enough to do this? 

"Be honest with me," Taeil says after a stilted silence. "Why did you agree to this dating thing? Is this for you to help get over a mean ex?" 

"Why can't I try and help you? Taeil, why did you say something like that?" As he sinks his head deeper into his shoulder, Donghyuck begins to rattle like an unbroken record. "Don't accuse me of a thing like that. Besides, aren't you getting over an ex too? Yuta?" 

"How did you--" But Taeil doesn't turn around in time. Donghyuck's eyes are firmly shut close, his regular breathing giving way to the shallower breaths of sleep. 

He sighs. Donghyuck may not even be asleep, yet he doesn't have the heart to try and refute him."Hey, he's technically not my ex," Taeil protests weakly. 

He stares deep into the green wall. Now two cats have fallen asleep on him. If he moves the slightest, he might wake both of them up. 

This is why he has a terrible love life. Nobody likes a man who is weak-willed. He supposes this must be the reason. Is he going to sit here and just let himself drown?

<<<<>>>>

"Come and sit with us, Taeil!" The Dream members call out to him from their table. He relents, holding onto his metal tray and heading over. 

It's lunchtime and everyone is feeling particularly hungry. The air conditioner in the main practice room has stopped working, so they had to shift off to the basement room. It's much bigger but much more humid. 

Taeil sits down next to Chenle. They're already talking when he comes over. He doesn't bother with their conversation about a video game that came out the other day. 

He only looks at his food, picking at the soup, sipping slowly. It's gone cold already. The servers must have forgotten to cover the lid for the broth. 

This time, he dares to glance over at the other end, where Donghyuck is sitting. He joins in on Dream's mindless chatter as well, but he's not entirely there, flickering in presence. 

Taeil hopes it isn't because of him. 

"Ah, Yuta," Jeno says. His name echoes in Taeil's ears. He forces himself to continue staring determinedly at his food, his head locked in its place. He's not going to look. He's absolutely not. 

"Hi!" Yuta's voice is detached, bright and loud. At least he doesn't sound unhappy. "I'm sorry to bring him away, but I was wondering if I could steal Taeil away for a moment? If you don't mind." 

There's a chorus of nos before Taeil can feel Yuta's gaze rest on him. It burns off the corners of his attention. Dream all looks at him pointedly and waits. It lasts for a second too long to be comfortable. 

"Hey, Yuta." Donghyuck's tone is low and terse. Taeil finally lifts his gaze and looks over in the younger man's direction. And it's odd. He could be mistaken for being possessive. "Could you stop that? I don't like you talking to him like that." 

"You don't own him, why are you speaking on his behalf," Yuta remarks with the famously sharp tongue of his. 

Taeil stills in his seat. "I don't own him, but I know what he wants," Donghyuck replies before venomously shovelling a spoonful of rice into his mouth, chewing with the effort. His teeth knock against each other noisily. He's going to chip away at a molar at this rate. 

There's an awkward quiet lingering in the air, only melting away when Yuta disappears from sight. Immediately, Taeil gets up, a firm hand on Donghyuck's shoulder, and hauls him away. 

He brings him into the hallway. Taeil leans on one side of the wall, while Donghyuck leans against the other side. 

"Hey, why did you stick up for me back then?" Taeil presses his palms against the faded wallpaper behind him. The sweat wipes off. 

"I know you eventually have to end up talking to him." He flinches at that. "But you should only do it when you're ready. I'm sure you will be soon," Donghyuck finishes, defiant, jutting his chin out. 

Taeil lets out an exasperated huff, running a hand through Donghyuck's dry hair, through the tangles and the frizz. "Okay, Donghyuck. Thank you." 

There's a look in his eyes Taeil wishes he knew. What exactly was Donghyuck feeling? If only he could read emotions as well as he could read sheet music. The comparison sounds ridiculous even in his head, but he's not eloquent enough to draw better ones. 

<<<<>>>>

He's in the middle of a rut. The piece he's been working on since two weeks ago gets stuck again. He doesn't think that it's even possible to be unsure of what to do next. This one could be experimental, but he decides against it. That would be too flashy. Something for a boy group making a splash in the pop scene. 

He wants this one to be more meaningful. A tune closer to his heart. And that might be why it's been tough to write. With his life constantly going up and down in tarnishing waves, even the wrong note might misrepresent what he's feeling now. This needs to be perfect. 

As if it is perfectly timed, his phone rings from on the other corner of the table. Taeil audibly groans, shaken out of his thoughts. He checks the contact. 

Doyoung? He hasn't talked to him in weeks. Doyoung knows that he works late, so it didn't make sense for him to call this early. It's strange. All the more Taeil should pick up.

"Hey, Taeil," Doyoung's airy voice answers clearly. "I wonder if I had never contacted you in the first place, would you have first?" 

"Ahh," Taeil murmurs. Because he's been so carried away with his own matters, he hasn't even sent Doyoung a text. "How long has it been? A month and a half?" 

"I've been counting," Doyoung said. "I know we can be busy with work sometimes, but not even a text? You had me worried there."

"I'm sorry, I've been carried away," he mutters. "I don't know what's wrong with me. Why did you call me? If you wanted to, you would have called me earlier." 

"Right," Doyoung starts again, more excitedly. "Um, since you were gone. I've been talking to someone and we finally got together." 

"What! Congratulations," Taeil says. At least someone is having somewhat of a love life, he thinks blithely to himself. "I'm glad. You deserve someone to love." 

"You too, you know," Doyoung says in the plucky voice of his, and it reminds him of Taeri, when she had asked if there was anyone new in his life. Taeil knows he could go just fine without a special someone.. but it would be nice. It was nice. 

"Has Yuta talked to you about it yet?" 

Pause. 

"I'm sorry, what? How did you know?" Had Taeil drunk texted him about it or what? He doesn't recall much either than writing that night. 

"I'm going to be straightforward, so listen to me," Doyoung says. "Yuta contacted me about you." 

"What! When?" He grips onto his phone tighter. Had Yuta contacted Doyoung because of him? That was ridiculous. They had ended on bad terms.

"Last week. He said that he got a letter from you. You knew? And you kept avoiding him. He asked me what he should do. I was surprised that he even called, he had blocked me after we broke up. He told me a lot," Doyoung says. 

"Seriously," Taeil murmurs, feeling his chest tighten. "I'm so sorry Doyoung, if I had stopped running away he wouldn't have contacted you." 

"What happened between you two? You guys have been working together for a while, right? I appreciate you not mentioning my ex to me, but now I'd really like to know." 

Taeil swallows. "It was just a small thing. We liked each other for a bit, but I held back because I knew he was off-limits. Your tears were still fresh in my mind," he continues. "Then we started drifting apart. We wouldn't have lasted anyways." 

"If it's truly over, you should really talk to him. Go and message him. Meet him after work. Please," Doyoung urges. "Resolve this. Don't think about me." 

"Okay," Taeil finishes. "I have to go now. I'll talk to you later." 

He hangs up, limply slouching. He rests his head on the top of his chair, looking up at the black ceiling without a word. It feels like it'll last forever. He's yet to text Yuta, but he can do that later. Right now he can just.. sit here. 

<<<<>>>>

When Taeil looks out of the building window, the sky is a dusky blue shade. He waits for the elevator. He'll be meeting Yuta in a few minutes, but it's always good to be early. 

The elevator doors part. Taeil steps out, admiring the trees swaying. Their leaves are a blend of yellow and green. It's a beautiful rooftop garden. It feels like a picture stolen right out of a drama, time turning slowly. He can see Yuta's back sitting on the bench, turned towards the balcony view, an envelope under his hand. 

"Yuta," Taeil says, uncertain voice not sounding quite like his own to his ears. The cold wind is nipping at his face, through Yuta's long hair and slipping right through his fingers. He thinks of what to say. But the words fall away from his grasp as Yuta turns around. 

"Taeil," Yuta murmurs. "Sit next to me, will you?" Taeil nervously walks over. He can't feel much except the faint howling of the breeze, low and steady. 

Taeil looks up at the sky. It's a lovely colour today. He's not sure if he could look Yuta in the eye. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Taeil mumbles out quickly, clutching onto the end of his shirt with his fist. "I should have talked to you in the first place." 

Yuta huffs. "Yeah, you should've. I was so mad." He brings up the letter to his level to read it again. "Did you write this recently?" 

"Yes," Taeil replies readily. "It was the day we had our company dinner. I got drunk, and I wrote this." 

"You're good with your words. Even while you were intoxicated, you wrote something this nicely," he remarks. "Though, the handwriting is sloppy. I'm still amazed." 

Taeil laughs, embarrassed, lifting a hand over his mouth to muffle the sound. "I really liked you. A lot. It was enough to make me forget about everything else for a while. You did stuff like that," he says. " I didn't mean to cling on so long to you. I never intended to continue to have feelings for you." 

"Please don't apologise," Yuta says softly, folding the letter and keeping it into his pocket. "Matters like this aren't easy to control. I'd be the same. Thank you for liking me, Taeil." 

Unlike the other letters, it's written on notebook paper, nothing as fanciful. It's rather plain. But Taeil knows it's much more rich than the others, written many months of denial, finally accepting his heartbreak. He feels the warmth ebb away. It no longer aches.

What," Taeil laughs. "Why are you thanking me for?" Yuta also grins. 

"For thinking for me so well," Yuta replies easily. "For keeping me company. Let's continue being friends. Please?" 

"How could I say no?" 

Taeil smiles at the ambience, watching a cloud pass by. He doesn't stop to think about the distance between their hands, or what could have been. He lets go of the last strand, and everything falls back into its place.

<<<<>>>>

_Dear Yuta,_

_Out of the seven months I have known you for, I have liked you for five. It's not very difficult, after all. The first two months, I hesitated to talk to you. You were the one who broke Doyoung's heart. I didn't know what to expect. Only four weeks in, I warmed up to you and we became friends. That was the point I started liking you._

_I can't pinpoint exactly when, but I think, at some point, you liked me back too. It was so nice. I didn't worry about anything else when I thought about you. Then there would be the times when we did nothing. Spending quiet afternoons together, just eating in comfortable silence. Watching a movie together on my tablet in the corner of a practice room. You indulged me as well, bringing me a blanket to share. When I snuggled up to you and you simply let me, I hoped this moment would last forever. You and I, basking in each other's presence._

_Life gets in the way sometimes. Suddenly we're both occupied with our own projects. We end work late. We don't bother to call. I started sleeping earlier instead of texting you with what little time I had left. You get called away to choreograph a dance for a concert. By the time we saw each other again, I think we had already drifted too far apart. You started seeing other people. And I just continued standing there at what was left of us, unable to move on from a man who never belonged to me._

_The first time I had fallen in love in two years. The first time in forever that it was reciprocated. I lost a grip on it regardless._

_I don't know why I was so upset? I think I knew. Even if we had dated, we wouldn't have worked out. If we had drifted apart then, what was to say that we wouldn't have eventually drifted apart if we ever dated? We're both working 9 to 5 jobs. Most of our friends are the ones we see regularly at work. Our colleagues. I doubt that we would have been able to last on video calls and text messages._

_If I avoid you more nowadays, I hope you don't mind. I still feel my heart stutter whenever I see you, so I'm certain I have to make this feeling go away. Even as my friend, you're a wonderful companion, Yuta. I hope you understand if I drift away from you even further._

_Love is difficult when you're an adult. I think you would know._

_Sincerely,_

_Taeil._

<<<<>>>>

"I didn't think you would agree," he says. He feels the cold sensation of the glass, condensation wetting his hands. It's a glass of lemonade for tonight. He admires the small set-up, a stage in the middle, tucked in the corner of where two walls meet. There's a standing microphone perching on top of it, just enough space for one person. It's open mic night, but Taeil doesn't feel like performing today. 

This is supposed to be over. Except that Taeil doesn't actually end it. Donghyuck had treated Taeil to a date right? He's the older one here, it would only make sense that they should go out again for Taeil to compensate. That's how they end up going out again.

He swears he can see Donghyuck's eyes sparkling with interest as he watches a singer humming to a tune on stage. Their legs knock together under the table. "You want to perform?" 

The girl finishes her song, takes a bow and leaves the stage. From the corner of his eye, Taeil can see Donghyuck hesitate, so he nudges him with his shoulder. 

"Would anyone else like to perform tonight?" The speaker's voice echoes in the small space. 

He hears Donghyuck's shoes skid across the floor as he gets up. There's a tiny notebook barely the size of a palm in his grasp, probably containing the notes to his song. 

"We have someone! Come here, do you need a guitar?" 

Bringing a tall stool onto the stage, Donghyuck sits down, props the guitar up on his lap into a comfortable spot and adjusts his mic. It comes naturally to him like breathing. He's born to be a performer, after all. He's still wearing his black face mask when he speaks into the microphone. 

"Hello everyone," he says. "Today I'm going to perform a song I made and wrote myself. It's called Epiphany." He begins to strum the beginning of the song, the one he had let Taeil listen to before. It's more refined than in the original audio. 

He smiles at the mic at first. Although his voice is muffled by the face mask, it sounds just as lovely and as clear. 

"It was Monday evening, downtown, I met the boy I'd love for the rest of my life. I was certain, back then, but I'm even more certain right now," he sings. 

The audience falls into a solemn silence. Taeil is mesmerised. He can't look away from the stage. Donghyuck might be singing about someone else, but God, it sure feels like he's singing to him right now. 

Donghyuck lifts his gaze in the middle of the song, slowly meeting Taeil's own, and they soften, gently and wonderfully so. 

"Do you know this song is about you," Donghyuck sings higher along with the swelling of the guitar strings. "Have I fallen a moment too soon? I see you looking somewhere else and I wonder if you'll ever look at me." 

Oh. This is a different part. There's a slight variation. This must be the first chorus. The notes descend. Donghyuck makes his voice more breathy. It's like he's telling a story, Taeil marvels. It's not like the snappy, charming lines he sings in Dream's pop tracks. It's like how you would draw close to candlelight in winter, a pinch of warmth in the freezing cold. 

He leans in, closer. They've never stopped looking at each other. "Have I fallen a beat too late? I see you looking somewhere else and I wonder if you’ll ever look my way again. If only I knew," he sings delicately, his voice catching on to more emotion. "If only I knew you were already in love with me." 

He completely abandons the guitar for the bridge. Only his voice rings still. A tremor ripples through the already silent audience. 

If Taeil was entranced, now he is hypnotised. The sound of his heartbeat echoes in his ears, going almost unheard. Donghyuck is truly singing to him now. 

Suddenly the world shrinks in on itself. All Taeil can see is Donghyuck. It's riveting to feel butterflies in his stomach reanimating, wings brushing up against its walls. The remains of an old flame blazes back to light. 

"The brighter days have already passed when you looked at me like I was the sun. I hope you haven't waited long. Come and glance at me again. That would be enough," Donghyuck says, for the last time. 

There is a moment of silence before sound stirs up, the soft pitter-patter of hands clapping in appreciation. Donghyuck concedes, dipping his head slightly and leaves the stage. 

The song might be over, but Taeil's heartbeat is still pounding in his chest with a renewed vigour. 

Slipping back into his seat, Donghyuck squeezes next to him. Taeil finds his hand, lacing it with Donghyuck's own and gives it a tight squeeze. 

Lifting their intertwined hands up to his lips, Donghyuck brings down his mask and gives the top of Taeil's hand a kiss.

Taeil needs to remind himself that they're going out under the guise of 'practice,' pushing his hope of anything more away into some dark corner of his mind. 

He begins humming a tune under his breath in the middle of a rap performance.

This will be the one to finish the demo. A few lyrics start forming and get pieced together in his head. He ought to go home and write all of this down before he forgets. 

<<<<>>>>

Honestly, he couldn't wait that long. On the bus ride home as the only passenger, he finds an old pen in the corner of his bag and begins scribbling on the back of a receipt. 

He gets home, turns on the living room light, sits on the couch and pulls out his electric piano from underneath the table. He doesn't stop writing until the song is finished, which takes him about an hour. Some fine-tuning, and he listens to it again. 

Staring. He stares at the clip in bewildered silence. This is a whole demo, something he finished by himself. What does he do with it? Give it to the company? 

No way, his mind supplies instantly. No way he's going to give this to any artist. It’s far too personal, and imagining someone else’s voice singing the lyrics he’s written, no clue what they’re about, makes him feel upset. So he contacts the first person he thinks of. Seungwan. 

He's surprised when he gets a text back only a few minutes later, despite the late timing. She’s receptive. He uploads the demo onto his phone and emails it to her. She replies in all caps and shocked emoticons. At least one person is excited. 

Taeil pulls a tangled earpiece out, hooking it up to his computer. He looks down at his lyrics on the sheet, listens to the instrumental one more time, and sings into the microphone. 

<<<<>>>>

To turn away would be something tempting in itself. Taeil can see a girl peeking behind her menu from over Donghyuck’s shoulder, clearly trying to get an eyeful of whatever conversation they’re in. She’s being as plain as day, with a Dream badge pinned on her bag. He almost feels embarrassed for her. 

Firmly looking ahead, Donghyuck simply bites into his ice cream. He just started promotions for Dream’s new song last week. Taeil had come to cheer them on for today’s stage. The rest of the members were feeling lethargic and had decided to go back immediately, while Taeil and Donghyuck chose to come here, a moderately crowded ice cream parlour. The fact that their manager had allowed them to spend time together here was remarkable because it was right after a schedule. What kind of sweet-talking had Donghyuck done?

Out of the fancy leather jacket and expensive shoes, Donghyuck looks much more at home. Like some guy you’d see on the street. Not a bad thing. It’s just more grounding to see him this way. There’s still some bright lip tint on his lips, but it’s coming off as he eats. When he pulls away from stuffing himself with ice cream, there’s remnants left behind. 

“Did you like the flavour? This parlor is famous for having mango ice cream that tastes like the real fruit,” Taeil says, picking up a tissue and dabbing gently at Donghyuck’s mouth. Donghyuck’s face doesn’t shift in the slightest, eyebrows furrowed. 

The girl at the back notices Taeil’s staring. She finally gets the hint, leaving in a hurry. Once they hear the sound of the chimes against the door tinkling, Donghyuck’s posture immediately relaxes. “Thank goodness she’s gone,” he says crudely. Taeil lets out a quick bark of laughter. 

“What? I thought you got used to a few prying eyes here and then. I didn’t expect you to be so annoyed,” Taeil says. Donghyuck is still adorable when he’s mad, though. He has heard from other Dream members about running into fans outside. It seems like a daily occurrence. Most of the time it is accidental. “Aren’t you used to it?”

“I don’t like them invading my time with you.” Donghyuck finishes his biscuit cone with a loud crunch. “It's precious. I don't get that every day." 

Nervously coughing, Taeil draws a hand over his lips. The store is relatively cleared out right now. He glances around before speaking. "By the way, Donghyuck, I talked to Yuta," he adds. He doesn't mention that it had happened weeks ago. 

"How did it go," Donghyuck asks. "Tell me?" 

Taeil feels pleased as he recounts. They had handled it well. Like how they should have, long ago. "I was planning to tell you earlier, actually. It was good," he says. 

"Now what? Renjun thinks we're dating." That makes both of them amused, but Taeil doesn't know if his smile reaches his eyes. He'll no longer have a good reason to go out with Donghyuck more frequently. It's alright, though. 

"When you marched down the hall and grabbed my hand so suddenly, you gave Renjun a fright," he intones. He's going to miss this, huh. He'll relish the memories they'll have together in the future. 

"It's understandable you liked Yuta, I mean, he seems like your type," Donghyuck says. 

Taeil laughs then falters. Huh? He had never told Donghyuck about why he was avoiding Yuta. "Wait. How?" 

Immediately, Donghyuck's eyes widen, as if he's said something he shouldn't have. 

Taeil's blood turns colder, icy all over. There are other ways he could have found out, he reasons with himself, but the first conclusion he jumps to isn't pretty. 

"Did you get your letter?" Lord, he feels faint. It's ridiculous to be shocked, he knows. It was bound to happen. 

Donghyuck leans back in his chair stiffly, looking away in the other direction. "How I know. Ha," he repeats drily, then stares back at Taeil. "It's because I like you. I notice these things."

He… likes him? The world begins to blur a little, out of focus. 

Face colouring pink, Donghyuck holds onto the side of the table, the corner sharply jutting into his hand. "I-I got your letter a long time ago. I knew you liked Yuta, so I assumed he got a letter too. Was I right? If he thought I was your boyfriend, I could tell him to.. stay away, I don't know!" 

"You pretended not to know?" The chair drags across the floor as Taeil gets up, an ugly, bitter sound. "I have to go." 

Donghyuck hangs his head. He's trying not to show his expression on his face. "I can't believe you didn't notice. Was I not obvious enough? Is it because I didn't like you back in the past?"

His voice gradually sounds softer and softer, farther away. Taeil pushes the door open-- 

"I'm in love with you, Taeil.”

<<<<>>>>

Seungwan sings into the microphone richly, finishing her verse with a flourish. She looks up and grins broadly at Taeil. He shoots her a thumbs up in response, stopping the recording, saving it under the name Track 5. 

He doesn't plan on using a lot of tracks for this song. An intimate sound like this would sound too cluttered with excessive layers. Less complicated, the better. The important aspect of this track is to hear the colour of the voice. 

"I think it's done," Taeil mouths since she can't hear him through the glass panel. She sees this, drops the equipment and heads for the exit. 

In order to finish the song, he had to drop by one of his friends' recording studio, as it was for his personal use, not the company's. He had contacted Seungwan's label, and they agreed to her feature. It would be under her Spotify, with his name listed.

Seungwan straightens her hair out with her fingers, messy from the headphones. Leaning over next to Taeil, she watches him arranging on the screen. 

"I wonder what my fans will think of this song. It's in all Korean, nothing like I've done before," she says thoughtfully. "It's a lovely song, Taeil. I hope people will like it." 

"Thank you for taking this, Seungwan. Really. I couldn't have trusted anyone else with this." She bumps her shoulder against his good-naturedly, smiling from ear to ear. It's contagious. Taeil can't help but smile too. 

She sits on the floor, using her phone. It's like this for a while before she stops, looking back at Taeil curiously. It's her prying gaze, he thinks. 

"Is something bothering you, Taeil?" Although she doesn't even try hiding her unabashed curiosity, her tone is deceptively sweet. 

What he has not thought about in ages begins buzzing around in his head. If Taeil could swat at it like how he does with the mosquitoes in the summer, he would. If only he could. 

"I'm not sure either," he confesses. It was dizzying to be confused with his feelings like this again, right after getting over someone else. 

Has he ever liked Donghyuck that way? Or is he just confusing himself, projecting his feelings he had on Yuta on Donghyuck? He's not so certain, anymore. Pretty sure he's never been. 

"Don't worry," she says. She understands. "Take your time." 

He exhales, hissing through his teeth. Hopefully, he doesn't appear as conflicted as he feels. "Okay."

<<<<>>>>

The song does better than expected. It gets the minimal promotion, but it shows up on the front page of music streaming sites. Seungwan calls him in a flurry of excitement in the morning, shaking him out of his stupor. 

"Taeil, oh my god," she says quickly. "Streams of Starlight is charting on the charts here as well! I tweeted a clip of it on my Twitter and it blew up." 

Great. Now what he intended to be a personal song will be playing over speakers, repeating in little eateries for everyone across the nation to hear. He already took the risk by releasing it under a label, so he can't be upset. 

"That's great," Taeil manages to say, albeit flatly. She doesn't notice it. 

"Let's meet up at a coffee shop nearby," she chimes. "My treat!" 

He finds himself strolling downtown, in the heart of where traffic is. Seungwan is sitting by the wall on the high stool. She waves at him from the inside. 

"Here, take my credit card," she says when he sits down next to him. "Whatever you're getting, get me one too!"

Out of all the drinks he could have picked from the menu, he chooses an alcoholic option. There's nothing he has to lose, he thinks. It smells heavenly in here, like frothy, smoky caffeine. He takes a careful sip and promptly melts into the flavour. 

"This is alcoholic," he mentions to Seungwan. It's an odd choice for the timing of the day. She tries it at once, making a surprised noise. "How is it?" 

She agrees. They clink their ceramic mugs together, both taking a few more sips. 

Seungwan leaves to go answer a call outside, so Taeil is left behind by himself. A woman takes a seat next to him, with a child, maybe around eight years old. 

He feels someone tug on his coat. It's the child, a girl, eyes wide and innocent. The woman hurries back to her, apologising. "I'm sorry, is she bothering you?" 

She glances up through her lashes. It's a familiar face, framed by bangs and long black hair. Her eyes light up in recognition. “Taeil?”

It’s Seulgi, from summer camp. Adventurous and lively Seulgi, who wasn’t afraid of frogs and insects. The girl he had a first kiss with at sixteen at a Truth and Dare. He had liked her, but she lived on the other side of Korea. They hadn't stayed in touch. 

"Seulgi," he says. "What a surprise to see you here!" She does, indeed, look happy to see him, pushing the little girl to the front to greet him. 

"This is my little niece. She's out with me today. Say hi to Taeil!" Her niece shyly waves, before sitting back onto the seat to nurse a cup of hot chocolate. 

They glance at each other. A little catching-up wouldn't hurt. 

"How have you been doing these days," Taeil asks Seulgi. It's really been...what, sixteen years? A decade ago. That's crazy. The chances of them meeting must have been low, but they did. 

"Uh, I'm sorry for not replying to your letter." Seulgi frowns at Taeil's blank expression. He's been desensitised to this topic already, after thinking about so many times, far from a normal amount. 

Taeil appreciates her thoughtfulness. "It's okay. If I received a letter like that, I wouldn't know what to do," he says. 

"It reminded me a lot of my own experience. Took me back," she says, absently rubbing a hand at the back of her neck. "In the past, liking someone felt so carefree. Didn't it? Now you think a lot about other things even as you're beginning to like someone. If you're still feeling charmed after being exposed to their flaws, that's how you know this is going to last." 

How well did Taeil know Donghyuck? He's known each other for years. Taeil was well acquainted with Donghyuck's character when he started liking him. Huh. 

"It's rare to meet someone like that. To continue liking someone. I think," she says. "If you do, you shouldn't hesitate to go and tell them how you should feel." 

Donghyuck could be just another letter. A person that he happened to like, but he did nothing about. Just like the other letters. The confessions he never made. The truths he never told, because he never dared to. He could leave it be, or he could.. 

"You're right," Taeil says abruptly, as if he's struck. "I should go to him." 

He should tell him. He needs to tell him. If he doesn't, he'll never forgive himself. It's frustrating to only realise this so late, yet, better than never.

<<<<>>>>

Taeil feels beads of sweat beginning to gather in his palm. He's certain that if he loses his grip on the headstock, he won't be able to live it down. Sitting on the studio table with his legs crossed and a guitar in his lap is already a feat.

It's been fifteen minutes since he's been waiting here. He hears the door open. 

"So, you lie and say that you want to see me for another demo recording? Why are you making me do this?" The footsteps draw closer. "Are you going to break my heart, Taeil?"

Donghyuck walks into view. Taeil sees him freeze up, folding his hands together, not saying a word. 

His heart is going off at a million miles an hour. Taeil nearly drops his pick as he strums at the guitar strings carefully. His voice is trembling, but he goes into autopilot and lets his feelings carry the rest. 

"By just the way you look at me, I started losing feeling in my cheeks," he sings. "I wanted to get closer. Don't you know I adore ya?" 

"I'm sorry for not noticing sooner. I'm looking right back at you, do you think we're ready now? Take care of my heart for me," he continues, changing the chords. "Let me hold you tighter." 

"Everything else falls away when I see you. Dry your tears, my dear." 

He can't keep his eyes open for the last part. He's too scared of what Donghyuck might think. 

"Let's dance across creeping streams of starlight, join the others in the sky," he finishes lightly. He can't look. Would Donghyuck be upset? Angry? Touched? Unhappy?

"Is that song you wrote with Wendy Son about me? I heard the notes I used in your bridge." 

Finally, Taeil looks up. Donghyuck is still standing there, a hand over his chest, quiet. "Yes," Taeil confirms. "This song is about you." 

"That means you know Epiphany is about you then. Right?" He manages a shaky smile at Donghyuck, then a terse nod. 

"I'm sorry for walking out on you," Taeil says. Him and Donghyuck's eyes are locked together, incredibly unyielding. "I liked you in the past. By feeling these fluttery feelings again, I honestly didn't know what to feel. I realised that I love you too, Donghyuck."

Is this a dream? It takes months for Taeil to even admit that he likes someone enough to write it down. Now he's saying it aloud for Donghyuck to hear. 

Donghyuck goes up to him. A burst of butterflies set off in Taeil's stomach. He sets the guitar on Taeil's lap aside. Gently, Donghyuck cups Taeil's face, as if he's holding the most precious star in the galaxy. 

He isn't certain if time has fallen asleep like this, but God, the flutters have only increased. Everything falls silent like the rain before a storm. Donghyuck is kissing him soundly, tasting like watermelon lip balm, and Taeil is kissing back. 

When they look at each other again, Donghyuck's lips are redder. They look at each other again in a new, comfortable quiet. 

"Taeil loves me," he laughs. It tinkles like christmas bells. "I'm the happiest man in the world." 

And all Taeil can do is get up and pull Donghyuck close with his arms looped together, breathing in his smell of minty deodorant. It's the sweetest thing that Taeil has smelt in a long time. 

"That's right, I love you," Taeil murmurs like a mantra. He can scarcely believe it himself. "I love you, Donghyuck. Only you."

When Donghyuck sweeps Taeil up for another kiss, he doesn't resist; in fact, Taeil holds onto his waist and decides he will never let him go. 

<<<<>>>>

_Dear Donghyuck,_

_I can't believe I'm writing this letter to you now. I'm going to tell you the truth. During the time that I liked you, I have gone through many conflicting emotions. I've known you since you were fourteen when you had just entered the company. Only now I have looked up at you properly, to see you as someone who can stand up to me. An equal. When I began to see you as less of a boy and more of a man, I think I may have fallen in love._

_You always love to take things away from me. Like my chips. Or my pizza. And you love to squabble with other people for my attention. There was one afternoon when we stayed behind to compose a tune together, you apologised to me out of the blue. You’re very mature, Donghyuck. I’ll never forget what you said. You told me that you felt bad for always taking up my time and that you feel like you’re a bother. I didn’t mention this to you, but you were never a bother to me. You made me very happy. And even more so now, because I adore you. I think everyone could tell. I let you walk all over me, and I never complain. Hell, I shamelessly let you address me without any formalities._

_I know this too. I don’t know how this happened, but, I think, although these feelings came with its appropriate side effects, it was lovely to be in love. Especially with someone like you. You’re bright like a sunflower. You live up to your stage name, Donghyuck Lee._

_And this is why I will only write it down in a letter. I have no plans of telling you. You’re only eighteen. You're a good-natured person, I know. You still feel bad rejecting your fans' love confessions, what more a close friend saddling you with unnecessary feelings? You don't have the time or space to date someone extra in your life. In the first place, you don't even like me the same way. It's bad for me to crush on someone unattainable like you. One time, you're my friend, another time, you are a celebrity, far, far away._

_I will continue to take care of you. How long, as long as you'll need me before you stop needing to depend on me. It will happen, and I will continue watching from the sidelines._

_You make me feel easy to love, Donghyuck. Thank you for loving me._

_Forever yours,_

_Taeil._

**Author's Note:**

> (A/N): im gonna be truthful here alex.. your prompts were Bad I couldnt think of shit. the only thing i could scarcely think of this movie and ive never watched it so i did some movie snooping critiquing and came up with this. I wrote 13k of this is the past 2 weeks this is all brain mush. yourea great writer btw
> 
> ❤  
> [ twitter](https://twitter.com/okaeythen?s=09)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/okaeyy)


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